Cried Out

Dear Lord,

Today as you know, I talked to my dad about everything that is going on. I freaked out and I cried, and then, just when he told me to take a minute and gather myself, I fixed my make up and left. I didn't want to deal, I didn't have time for feelings. I guess in my life being this cut out makeshift Ashley is all that is important. I have an image and that is important for society. I have who I am supposed to be but I don't want to change... This person that was created for me to be is defined, except for the voices that are constantly changing their direction and dictation. But that's not how it is. I know you love me, at least that's what I'm told. I don't want to leave you. I want you to be near me like my dad was. I want you to be there. I don't know what you want from me. I know it may seem like I do, but that may just be for another's benefit. I'm different I know it. I was in the trenches during the retreat and didn't separate myself like my counterparts did. I was thinking earlier that expectations should be extinguished but that may not be a good thing. I mean if we got rid of expectations, what would we have? My entire life Lord, my entire life has been people telling me what to do. Directing me, having expectations for me. I figured that I fought against those expectations and created a set of my own as a back up plan. Expectations could define my entire life Lord. But it shouldn't. I don't know what you expect of me. Lord, I want to be loved. I want to feel embraced with your love and the love of a man. Not my father Lord, I want a gentleman. I want a strong Catholic man to lead me in my quest of love. I want to be held and cared for like a lady. I want to be honored and loved. I want the man you destined for me Lord. I chased guys a lot. It's true. That was what I knew. Did I do that to get it out of my system or was it expected of me? I don't know. I know you know me, and my heart, and my desires and my needs. Please listen to the words I am saying and the words I am not saying. I love you Lord. I love that you love me.

Please Holy Spirit guide me to where I am supposed to be. Help me do your will. Give me strength and patience and faith. Give me faith Lord. Give me faith.

I love you.

Amen.