Misguided

Today I feel stuck, at first, I was jealous that Jake and Mikaela take lunch together. It's silly isn't it? I get jealous because I feel like she's getting more attention from him than me. She's dating someone and I'm single. He's also dating someone, so that argument is invalid. I felt really stupid and immature today. I'm 20 years old and I should be able to get over something like that. I did eventually, especially after talking to Arlin. I realized that I have no need to be jealous because I need to focus on becoming the type of wife my husband will need.

I still feel like I'm fighting you. I don't know what you want me to do. I'm trying to make enough money to support myself and be happy. I'm so doubtful when I think about being a nurse. I know I want to take care of people; I like making people comfortable and happy. I like giving them the extra care that I would give a member of my family. Bill really is a blessing. His calm nature helps me to stay rooted in my faith in you. The other day I started to think of a difficult patient as a child of God and immediately my attitude changed. Suddenly I had more patience for him and was more willing to do what he wanted from me. I want to be that person all of the time, but that scares me.

In the world, we are taught to obey the rules of society, and ignore your rules if they are in the way of something we want. Now that I've spoken about religion at work and pulled out my jacket and book it is easier to talk about you. In fact, I look forward to talking about you.

I've also been stressing out about my future. As always, stress has me worried that if I don't find a guy to date then I am somehow unlovable, and that my dreams won't come true. I need to put my dreams at Your feet and remember that You are my father. You want what is best for me and Your kingdom.

I also worry about the future. I asked Arlin today to switch shifts so I could go back to school to become a nurse. The more and more I think about it, the more I worry about it. I don't want to do too much, and I want to do Your will; even if it's terrifying to me. Do You want me to be a nurse? Am I smart enough? I know You will give me and have given me all of the gifts I need to succeed in whatever my purpose is. Do You want me to be a singer? I like singing in the choir. I felt like I really connected with you during "Redeemed." My insecurity with that is, I don't know if my voice is good enough. I joined the choir because I love singing about You and to You. I just don't have a voice like Andreas. I imagine You shaking Your head in disappointment. I shouldn't compare my gifts to others. It's society again. Here we are taught to be the best at everything, but even in Your kingdom You need "foundation people." Do You want me to be a writer? You gave me a knack and a love for it, and yet I still fight You about the content.

Lord God, Help me to hear what You want me to do. Holy Spirit, guide me towards the chosen path. Jesus, help me emulate you. Blessed Mary, help me become a humble wife like you. Saint Claire, help me to stay humble and follow God. Thank you all for your prayers and help.

I love you.

Truth

God,

I'm mad at you. It seems insignificant when I think about the problems of this world and of your other children, but I'm suffering. I feel inadequate that I don't have a boyfriend. When I hear about other people and the problems they deal with in relationships, I'm envious that I haven't had that experience yet. I feel like you are personally holding me back from something that could make me really happy. After I had that dream that I felt like you told me I could be a nun, or a mom and wife I felt really upset. You may have created me to be a nun but I don't and won't be one. I struggle with this almost daily. I want a husband, a partner, and I want to be a mom. I want to feel loved other than what I have so far. I've messed up plenty of relationships and haven't had anything come to fruition. I feel inadequate. How am I supposed to know who my future husband is if I don't have any practice? Essentially I want to go out with a guy and have fun but help me discern what I need in a husband. I feel like I have the potential to use one of your sons, but isn't that kind of what dating is? I tried it with Ben and I didn't open my heart to him. Give me someone, send me someone that I can date and have them ask me out. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I need a guy to be happy. I told myself I didn't want to be that person but I look around me and everybody looks so happy. I look at Jake, my parents, my parents friends, even the couple holding hands today and as much as I want to be strong enough to get through this dry patch, I can't. I go back and forth and I'm stressing myself out. I worry that You didn't create a man for me to be with, and that is something I can't stand. I mean you know how I would react to the dream. I hate talking to Gaby about it again because I'm afraid of what she'll think of me. I worry that if I tell anyone who has already heard that they will get bored of me and think that i'm desperate. Do you think I'm desperate? Why do I feel like this God, I don't get it. Can you please send me someone? Can you send me a guy to date? An age appropriate guy who I am physically attracted to? God, please. Please can they ask me out so I can feel valued and worth something. I want to know that I have a future and that there is a guy out there for me. I want to meet him now.  I want to be ready for a relationship and I want a relationship. It seems stupid of me to ask because I'm a horrible friend. I didn't call Sierra back. If I treat people like this, then how can I be a good girlfriend. I want my identity to be that of girlfriend, fiancé and eventually wife. I want so much to be a mother. I know I would be good at it. I'm responsible and I can sacrifice. I haven't sacrificed anything compared to what Jesus did for me and the rest of your children. Why can't I have a boyfriend? I am not going to be single for the rest of my life. Why can't I have somebody to foster a relationship with and why can't I have somebody chase me. I used to chase boys in elementary school. I'm trying to let you take care of it, but it's all I worry about inside my head. Why are you keeping him from me? Please tell me you  made someone for me. I know this is stupid with the earthquake and your children dying everyday but God it's really important to me. I mean, what kind of 20 year old doesn't have a boyfriend? I wasn't to be ready, and I want it to happen now. I want to meet him and to be a part of his life now. I want to stop crying almost every night about this. I'm not strong enough to be on my own. I'm too immature. Did something happen to him? Is he ok? I won't be good enough if I don't have a guy. Already I know that sounds stupid. You created me to be strong. You created women to be strong, but It would be nice if a guy fought for my attention and helped to bring me closer to you. I feel like I'm nothing the way I'm single right now. Can you send me a guy now to help me? I'll take care of him. I promise to compromise and help lead him closer to you too. God please. Thank you for everything that you have given me so far, but please bless me with another gift. Give me the gift of one of your sons. I know you already gave up one of your sons for the whole human race, but can you please give me one of your sons to have and to hold until I die. Let me get married to a mortal man that is alive right now, that I can have children with. You know what I mean. I don't want Jesus to be the man you've chosen for me.

5 Things Everybody Should Know

So, this past week, I went to a conference. This conference was a gathering of Catholic youth all across Northern California. There was one talk I went to where I learned 5 things Atheists should know and 4 things Catholics should know.

5 Things Atheists Should Know:

1. There is evidence but no proof that God exists. Evidence is defined as facts that lead to validity, and proof is defined as facts as undeniable. Think about it, if the facts were undeniable we wouldn't need faith. Scientists believe that smaller than 10 to the negative 43rd power was the amount of time it took to create the earth. "Science disagrees with science more than science disagrees with religion." The pattern of creation follows what was stated in the bible, but according to scientists, it didn't take 7 days to create the earth. The term entropy defines the idea that once something is created, it peaks and then deteriorates; the earth didn't do that. There is an infinitely small chance that the earth could have been created this perfectly. If more force was used to create the earth, nothing would exist. If less force was used to create the earth, the force would have collapsed back on itself. 
2. It is reasonable to believe. It is reasonable to believe in something beyond time and space, and it is reasonable to seek a relationship with that 'something beyond.' It is also reasonable to come together as a community to worship that 'something beyond.'
3. Science can compliment religion. Science helps us to get into a deeper dialogue with the creator. Often, atheists argue that Catholicism fights against science, however the scientific method, the standard for any scientific procedure was Catholic founded. Catholics helped to develop the theory of evolution. A Catholic developed the theory for the Big Bang, and Gregor Mendel helped to find the genetic code to understand our species. Consider love for a moment. Science can't prove that love exists, however it doesn't make it any less true. 
4. Religious responses are in our DNA. Even one of the most profound atheists stated that we must give thanks for our existence. If there is nothing responsible for our existence, then it wouldn't be important to give it thanks. 
5. Desire for unity. We as Catholics should not assume moral superiority. We shouldn't think of ourselves higher because we have faith in God. We all long to unite our human family. The Eucharist is the thanksgiving we are called for which ultimately brings people together. 

Now, I'll move onto the 4 things Catholics should know. This will be less detailed because I found the first 5 statements to be more interesting. 

4 Things Catholics Should Know:

1. God is cosmic
2. Salvation is cosmic.
3. The cosmos want to be known.
4. Prayer and meditation are essential. Prayer helps kids stay in the church.