Truth

God,

I'm mad at you. It seems insignificant when I think about the problems of this world and of your other children, but I'm suffering. I feel inadequate that I don't have a boyfriend. When I hear about other people and the problems they deal with in relationships, I'm envious that I haven't had that experience yet. I feel like you are personally holding me back from something that could make me really happy. After I had that dream that I felt like you told me I could be a nun, or a mom and wife I felt really upset. You may have created me to be a nun but I don't and won't be one. I struggle with this almost daily. I want a husband, a partner, and I want to be a mom. I want to feel loved other than what I have so far. I've messed up plenty of relationships and haven't had anything come to fruition. I feel inadequate. How am I supposed to know who my future husband is if I don't have any practice? Essentially I want to go out with a guy and have fun but help me discern what I need in a husband. I feel like I have the potential to use one of your sons, but isn't that kind of what dating is? I tried it with Ben and I didn't open my heart to him. Give me someone, send me someone that I can date and have them ask me out. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I need a guy to be happy. I told myself I didn't want to be that person but I look around me and everybody looks so happy. I look at Jake, my parents, my parents friends, even the couple holding hands today and as much as I want to be strong enough to get through this dry patch, I can't. I go back and forth and I'm stressing myself out. I worry that You didn't create a man for me to be with, and that is something I can't stand. I mean you know how I would react to the dream. I hate talking to Gaby about it again because I'm afraid of what she'll think of me. I worry that if I tell anyone who has already heard that they will get bored of me and think that i'm desperate. Do you think I'm desperate? Why do I feel like this God, I don't get it. Can you please send me someone? Can you send me a guy to date? An age appropriate guy who I am physically attracted to? God, please. Please can they ask me out so I can feel valued and worth something. I want to know that I have a future and that there is a guy out there for me. I want to meet him now.  I want to be ready for a relationship and I want a relationship. It seems stupid of me to ask because I'm a horrible friend. I didn't call Sierra back. If I treat people like this, then how can I be a good girlfriend. I want my identity to be that of girlfriend, fiancé and eventually wife. I want so much to be a mother. I know I would be good at it. I'm responsible and I can sacrifice. I haven't sacrificed anything compared to what Jesus did for me and the rest of your children. Why can't I have a boyfriend? I am not going to be single for the rest of my life. Why can't I have somebody to foster a relationship with and why can't I have somebody chase me. I used to chase boys in elementary school. I'm trying to let you take care of it, but it's all I worry about inside my head. Why are you keeping him from me? Please tell me you  made someone for me. I know this is stupid with the earthquake and your children dying everyday but God it's really important to me. I mean, what kind of 20 year old doesn't have a boyfriend? I wasn't to be ready, and I want it to happen now. I want to meet him and to be a part of his life now. I want to stop crying almost every night about this. I'm not strong enough to be on my own. I'm too immature. Did something happen to him? Is he ok? I won't be good enough if I don't have a guy. Already I know that sounds stupid. You created me to be strong. You created women to be strong, but It would be nice if a guy fought for my attention and helped to bring me closer to you. I feel like I'm nothing the way I'm single right now. Can you send me a guy now to help me? I'll take care of him. I promise to compromise and help lead him closer to you too. God please. Thank you for everything that you have given me so far, but please bless me with another gift. Give me the gift of one of your sons. I know you already gave up one of your sons for the whole human race, but can you please give me one of your sons to have and to hold until I die. Let me get married to a mortal man that is alive right now, that I can have children with. You know what I mean. I don't want Jesus to be the man you've chosen for me.