Cried Out

Dear Lord,

Today as you know, I talked to my dad about everything that is going on. I freaked out and I cried, and then, just when he told me to take a minute and gather myself, I fixed my make up and left. I didn't want to deal, I didn't have time for feelings. I guess in my life being this cut out makeshift Ashley is all that is important. I have an image and that is important for society. I have who I am supposed to be but I don't want to change... This person that was created for me to be is defined, except for the voices that are constantly changing their direction and dictation. But that's not how it is. I know you love me, at least that's what I'm told. I don't want to leave you. I want you to be near me like my dad was. I want you to be there. I don't know what you want from me. I know it may seem like I do, but that may just be for another's benefit. I'm different I know it. I was in the trenches during the retreat and didn't separate myself like my counterparts did. I was thinking earlier that expectations should be extinguished but that may not be a good thing. I mean if we got rid of expectations, what would we have? My entire life Lord, my entire life has been people telling me what to do. Directing me, having expectations for me. I figured that I fought against those expectations and created a set of my own as a back up plan. Expectations could define my entire life Lord. But it shouldn't. I don't know what you expect of me. Lord, I want to be loved. I want to feel embraced with your love and the love of a man. Not my father Lord, I want a gentleman. I want a strong Catholic man to lead me in my quest of love. I want to be held and cared for like a lady. I want to be honored and loved. I want the man you destined for me Lord. I chased guys a lot. It's true. That was what I knew. Did I do that to get it out of my system or was it expected of me? I don't know. I know you know me, and my heart, and my desires and my needs. Please listen to the words I am saying and the words I am not saying. I love you Lord. I love that you love me.

Please Holy Spirit guide me to where I am supposed to be. Help me do your will. Give me strength and patience and faith. Give me faith Lord. Give me faith.

I love you.

Amen.

Thankful

Dear God,

Thank you for a very interesting family. I know you put them in my life for a reason. They're very weird. Well not weird because this is what I know. Here most things are put on the table and there's a familiarity here that I don't get at Granny's. But now that I think about it, I do. Love. It's all about love. Seasons of love. You've got to love people for different reason and such. Bless me writing. May I write what you want. I love you Lord. 

Amen. 

G You're Great

Lord, 

Today was sad. I wasn't sad that you took Robbie. I was sad that Matthew has to grow up without a father. I know he has you. I just hope that you can help them. I want to teach him about You and bring Angela closer to you but I'm afraid. I haven't been the best at youth group this year and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that I wasn't there for Angela or Char. I was afraid too. Why do I live in fear? Because of acceptance. I want to be accepted. I want to be loved. You love me. I love you. I pray that you keep putting me in uncomfortable situations. Help me grow and do your will Lord. I love you. Amen. 

Thankfully Pleased

Dear G, 

The closer we get and the more we talk the more I feel like we're friends. I just want to thank you for the amazing life you've provided me. Thank you for blessing me with my family, my friends, my job, my school opportunities. I really like the trailer we have and this trip at Sand Mountain. Lord, at this moment, my life is pleasant and I am happy. I think that I may have a unique perspective on life. I don't feel what other people feel but you made me like this or gave me my parents to make me this way. It's very picturesque watching my family like this. I thank you for our good friends who are very good at sharing their blessings. Praise you Lord. You are amazing. I love you. :-) 

I love you Lord. 

Ashley 

It's You

Lord, you are amazing. I love you. Some days are hard especially around secular people. I feel like I'm supposed to be a defender of your kingdom. My arguments make no sense. I know. Ok. So I'll do that and write. Can you imagine Vampires in the Catholic Church? I'm excited for it. And also for Nicashia's story. Thank you for your grace and great gifts. I love you Lord. You are amazing. I want to do you proud. 

Amen. Your daughter Ashley. 

Terribly Scared

Hello Lord, 

So I'm sitting here in my car accross the street from my house.  I have that fuzzy feeling in my stomach. I'm terrified to get out of the car and walk over there. I imagine one scenario in which Alexis isn't mad or surprised and everything goes ok. I know of another where her face glades from surprise to understanding. I want her to ask me why. I want her to understand why I have to. Maybe it will feel less like I'm disappointing everyone. Maybe it will be justified. I don't really know Lord. I don't even know if this is the right decision. What will I tell people? What will I say when people ask me? Their looks God. It's going to be horrible. I don't want to live in fear. Lord. Please give me strength and resilience as I go into the house. Help me get through this conversation and through everything that is to come. I love you Lord. This reminds me of Dalene leaving a few things so she can focus on you. Help me turn this into something good. If all things work for the good and to your will then so will this too. Lord grant me strength. Help me with this. I love you protector and savior, friend, father, lord. 

Amen. 

A Long Time

Dear God,

It's so nice to talk to you again. I feel like I haven't spoken to you in ages. I've had a breakthrough with my writing. My arms tingle. I can feel you. You are everywhere. I just read the letters again. I feel ashamed that I haven't written sooner. Don't feel ashamed. It's ok. Sometimes I worry Lord. I worry that I'm not doing the right thing. then I decide not to worry. It just gets buried and I sit and wonder if I'm a good person. I can't help but think of my future person. I have a list if you need help. I know you don't. Why do I obsess over a person after we have an interaction? Why do I think they automatically like me because they were kind to me? Is it because people today are so mean and unkind that a nice person can be perceived as a person who is interested. I'm leaving it up to you. I mean I can still remember Greg's smile and his clear blue eyes. I can see it. I told myself that I needed to find my Griffin. I needed to find my person who would protect me. I guess I got caught up on the letter G. I know you can protect me. In fact, in the bookstore today, I felt time wasn't passing. I felt happy and overwhelmed with all that I could learn about you. I yearn for a man Lord. I yearn for a husband, a boyfriend. A physical human being who I can hold and touch. When I think about it, I feel like I am missing something. Sierra says I flirt weird, is it true? I just flirt how I was told...meaning how I do. No one teaches you how to do these things. I think I'll just burrow my head in my writing and my work and let you take care of it. Taking care of me is something you are quite good at. Please, look over my future person. Protect him and help him become the person you need. If there is no person, look over your sons. Help them to be kind, gentlemanly, and the people you need them to be. Watch over your daughters. Teach us that we don't have to be as independent as secular culture tells us. Teach us to be good mothers and stewards. Help the Catholic Church continue to grow and turn into the best it can. Protect all your children. Watch over them and I pray they feel your love. Bless my writing. I love you. Lord, I love you too.

Amen, Ashley.

This Weekend

Dear God, 

Whew. This weekend is finally over. As we were driving back, I was smiling. This weekend was great. I feel at peace. There is a lot of things to do like my English homework and the quilt and everything. I was worried. Work too. As I was saying I was worried but you bring me peace. I'm choosing not to worry. I can get it all done. Lord. You are great. I did it again. I was flirting and it may have peaked someone's interest. I felt really ashamed when everyone was bringing it to attention. Last night I felt bad when I was thinking about him. I'm trying not to turn it into anything it isn't. Are we supposed to do something? I don't think so at this time. He has a beautiful smile. I'm leaving it in your hands Lord. You know what you're doing. I pray for him. I also pray for my future romantic partner/husband. Watch over them a lord. Help them become the person you need them to be. Protect them from harm. I prey for all the Christians in the a Middle East. Protect them Lord. Protect and watch over all your children who are suffering from illnesses like cancer. Thanko y Lord. You are amazing and I love you. 

Amen.