Today I feel stuck, at first, I was jealous that Jake and Mikaela take lunch together. It's silly isn't it? I get jealous because I feel like she's getting more attention from him than me. She's dating someone and I'm single. He's also dating someone, so that argument is invalid. I felt really stupid and immature today. I'm 20 years old and I should be able to get over something like that. I did eventually, especially after talking to Arlin. I realized that I have no need to be jealous because I need to focus on becoming the type of wife my husband will need.
I still feel like I'm fighting you. I don't know what you want me to do. I'm trying to make enough money to support myself and be happy. I'm so doubtful when I think about being a nurse. I know I want to take care of people; I like making people comfortable and happy. I like giving them the extra care that I would give a member of my family. Bill really is a blessing. His calm nature helps me to stay rooted in my faith in you. The other day I started to think of a difficult patient as a child of God and immediately my attitude changed. Suddenly I had more patience for him and was more willing to do what he wanted from me. I want to be that person all of the time, but that scares me.
In the world, we are taught to obey the rules of society, and ignore your rules if they are in the way of something we want. Now that I've spoken about religion at work and pulled out my jacket and book it is easier to talk about you. In fact, I look forward to talking about you.
I've also been stressing out about my future. As always, stress has me worried that if I don't find a guy to date then I am somehow unlovable, and that my dreams won't come true. I need to put my dreams at Your feet and remember that You are my father. You want what is best for me and Your kingdom.
I also worry about the future. I asked Arlin today to switch shifts so I could go back to school to become a nurse. The more and more I think about it, the more I worry about it. I don't want to do too much, and I want to do Your will; even if it's terrifying to me. Do You want me to be a nurse? Am I smart enough? I know You will give me and have given me all of the gifts I need to succeed in whatever my purpose is. Do You want me to be a singer? I like singing in the choir. I felt like I really connected with you during "Redeemed." My insecurity with that is, I don't know if my voice is good enough. I joined the choir because I love singing about You and to You. I just don't have a voice like Andreas. I imagine You shaking Your head in disappointment. I shouldn't compare my gifts to others. It's society again. Here we are taught to be the best at everything, but even in Your kingdom You need "foundation people." Do You want me to be a writer? You gave me a knack and a love for it, and yet I still fight You about the content.
Lord God, Help me to hear what You want me to do. Holy Spirit, guide me towards the chosen path. Jesus, help me emulate you. Blessed Mary, help me become a humble wife like you. Saint Claire, help me to stay humble and follow God. Thank you all for your prayers and help.
I love you.
