Why Do I Cry?

Last night God, something was bothering me. I was sad and crying, overwhelmed with emotion. As I laid in my Grandma's bed I was thinking of her death and how desperately I wanted to confide in her. I pray and hope that my presence is helpful and not a hindrance. I worry about losing her. I worry about not being enough.


Be present in each moment. That will be enough.


God, I worry about Sam. I worry that I'm wasting his time and my time.


Why?


Because I want someone who appreciates how weird I am. I want someone who appreciates my uniqueness. I don't feel like I'm getting that from Sam and I don't want to push him because I'm afraid he will walk away from me if I push him too hard.


A healthy relationship pushes people and challenges them.


God, what if I'm doing my life wrong?


I will direct you.


I'm going to ask you the question I've been afraid to ask: is Sam my future husband?


 ..........................................


I feel like sometimes he could be, but other moments I feel like not.


Nobody is perfect except for ME. Loving someone is about giving everything you have for him.


Sometimes when he talks about us being married, I really wonder if it's going to be worth it. Don't tell him, don't let him find out. I feel like I'm a wandering spirit. Or am I afraid of commitment. I don't know what to do and you won't answer me. I'm sorry if that hurt you, but at times I'm confused about Sam and my future. I try to be content with the present but I've lived my whole life predicting the future and planning for it, this whole being ok with the present is hard for me.


Does it really matter that he doesn't dance with you? Or is it something more?


He is a good friend. I don't know. He's like my safeguard. He is gentlemanly and treats me like you. He is helping me figure out how you love. Did I do something wrong? Are you disappointed in me?


I love you Ashley. I always have and I always will. You are My child and I will never let you go.


Why do you put these words on my heart? Because it's the truth. Can Sam and I really be happy for a lifetime?


................................................................... Yes.


Did you give Sam to me for my life? To help save my life or to be my husband?


Sam is yours to take care of, to love and to hold. I love you Ashley.